As part of our drive to achieve ISO9001 and officially raise staff morale into an upper quartile, Ars Magique relaunches the "employee of the month" feature. Hopefully we won't have the same kind of behaviour as last time! A good drubbing is something I prefer to avoid, so it gives me great pleasure to announce the latest "employee of the month" It's Hofton Shraxby. Hofton wins a mug with the words "employee of the month" printed on the side. Maybe now he'll stop sending animals through the post. But I doubt it.

The editor explains an esoteric point of principle to Hofton Shraxby (right)

Hofton Shraxby (prn. Tim Tim) used to be a great sub-editor. And then something went wrong with his head-brain. Before he left our employ he could regularly be found propping up a pile of telephone directories with sheer power. And no mistaking. Nevertheless his grasp of punctuation leaves a lot to be desired. *Hello!* he says. Please say hello back... Hofton was made our "Employee of the month" as part of his golden handshower on leaving us to take up a military position south of the border. The photograph has been processed to protect his identity and the identity of his current location. Our editor is a vain devil and is willing to take a bullet in the warped name of that vanity.

And here are some previous Employees of the Month...

Houghton Ramify is our award-winning opinion columnist. Due to the inflammatory, and sometimes libellous, nature of her opinions we've not been able to publish any recently. Even so, she remains on the payroll and enjoys all the benefits of the Ars Magique Health Club. "I'm on the phone," she says, when asked what she likes most about her job. So, when will we see the next Houghton Ramify column? "I'd like a bit of privacy, thanks. Stand over there."

Hoxton Thurlowe heads our much acclaimed picture desk. He's also an unmitigated misanthrope whose surly bad manners and short fuse make him ideal for his job. Hoxton developed (ho!ho!) an interest in photography at an early age, as he explains: " **** you, you ******* - it's too early in the afternoon for this **** ". Never far from his trusty packet of "stinking cigars" (as they're affectionately known in the office), Hoxton's character is as big as his talent. "I'm off to get bladdered," he says. " **** *** out of it. * with Jeremy Irons and Bernard Cribbins." So that's why he's our employee of the month.

Hoxton Thurlowe (circled) pictured near the editor