CLICK FOR BIGGER PICTURES

Sleeve text:

The Byzarre Brothers are here!

In the shadows of the concrete jungle, something purple moves - villainous Jake the Frat is here, and he wants everyone to know about it. Product of an experiment gone wrong, he now plans to summon up the Toupee Apocalypse, and render the entire world subject to his will. What else can Professor Glendali do but call in local detectives the Byzarre Brothers? Will they reach Jake before the mysterious Termite Eater? Will the purple fiend succeed? Will the Doom Crew ever be free of the curse of Nimbleshanks? It’s all too strange to comprehend... Byzarre Brothers: The Movie sees all this and much more, as the Byzarre Brothers are launched on an unknowing world...

Plot:

Wed 25 April 1990 - a few days after a “Toupee Apocalypse”, and all life is extinct on earth. The Termite Eater is sent back in time to assassinate Jake the Frat.

A few weeks earlier, and Professor Glendali is perfecting the intelligent toupee in his laboratory. The experiment goes wrong and the toupee attacks his lab assistant Eager, transforming him into the villainous, purple Jake the Frat.

Professor Glendali calls in the Byzarre Brothers to help sort things out. They blunder around the laboratory and Frank accidentally transports himself to Antarctica. Glendali retrieves him, complete with polystyrene snow, but not before he accidentally duplicates Frank, with his human photocopier.

Jake calls at the home of local heavies, identical twins the Doom Crew. He knocks John Doom Crew One unconscious and takes him with him, in powdered concentrate form. The Byzarre Brothers, following Jake’s trail, are attacked by John Doom Crew Two. They call a truce to catch Jake, who has placed the revitalised John Doom Crew One under toupee mind control.

Later that night, Frank breaks into Glendali’s lab to find out what’s really going on. He gets a copy of Glendali’s notes into banned toupee experiments but is coshed unconscious by the toupee-controlled John Doom Crew One, who takes the vital documentary proof.
The Byzarre Brothers and John Doom Crew Two find out from their mysterious mentor MC Donald S that Glendali is meddling in toupees, and that the Termite Eater is after Jake.

Jake creeps into Glendali’s lab and leaves behind a large box. He tries to escape, but is chased by Frank. There is a shoot out and Jake escapes using his teleporting wand. John Doom Crew Two retrieves the box from the lab and takes it back to the Byzarre Brothers’ office. The box contains Francis’ stomach, removed by Jake under hypnosis and planted in Glendali’s lab to incriminate him. The stomach escapes.

Jake is confronted by the Termite Eater who chases Jake in an attempt to “shoot his legs off”. Jake manages to confuse the Termite Eater’s programming (in some vague and non-specified way).

Francis falls asleep and dreams that Frank has exploded after a nice cup of tea. He dreams of travelling backwards in time and meeting the scriptwriter, whom he persuades to change the script.

Back in the real world, Glendali proves that the stomach was false and that Francis’ stomach is intact. Now that they trust Glendali, Jake is forced to release a clutch of toupees into their office. The toupees attack and fell John Doom Crew Two. Frank goes to get help, but by the time he gets back the toupee has dried up and dropped off. Moments later a glove puppet bursts out of John’s stomach. Glendali suggests a new stomach, and the Byzarre Brothers manage to catch the fake stomach. Unfortunately it’s still under Jake’s control, causing John to run around at extra high speed.

With both the Doom Crew out of the way, Jake reprograms the Termite Eater to kill the Byzarre Brothers. TE chases Francis, but Glendali intervenes and stuns the assassin. The Professor tries to implant some rational thoughts from Francis’ mind, but Frank blunders in, causing all four of them to swap minds. Eventually the Byzarre Brothers, in the shape of TE and Professor Glendali manage to track down TE and sort things out. Together, they decide to set out after Jake.

After a brief battle of wills, in which Frank and Jake try to outdo each other with increasingly generous bequests, Frank gets bored and decides to follow a man with a wobbly hand into a building. When he comes back out he discovers that Jake is hosting a show called “Jake Box Jury”, giving people the chance to vote on his plots so far.

The Byzarre Brothers decide that they’ve had enough of all these and track Jake down to his lair. After breaching a series of increasingly stupid defences, with the help of Glendali and TE, they make it to Jake’s dungeon, where Jake drops a grand piano on Frank. Jake challenges them to a game of tiddlywinks before attaching Frank to the mind probe, for no readily apparent reason. Frank’s accidental clone appears and disrupts the proceedings by confusing Jake before popping out of existence. Frank plants a bomb and Francis frees John Doom Crew One from toupee control.

They all flee the building, moments before it explodes. Jake jumps into a nearby sports car and drives off at high speed. The Byzarre Brothers are confused when it vanishes in a flash of white light, but they don't care much, ‘cos they’ve got rid of him. They go for a celebratory run across some fields...

Notes:

Put together by a group of people who clearly had no idea what they were doing (but joyfully didn't care), Byzarre Brothers: The Movie remains the most complexly plotted of the Byzarre Brothers’ outtings - despite the fact that at first (and second, third, fourth and fifth. No-one’s managed more than five, we think) viewing it appears to have no discernible plot at all. There is, however, plenty of fine running up and down in it, and it can be recommended to all who like good running in their films. Another film to feature running is “Chariots of Fire”. I’m in no way making a comparison, of course, except to say that this film is not “Chariots of Fire”. I can’t stress that enough.

Unlike “Chariots of Fire” we couldn’t afford to go to the beach. We did go to the canal (and returned to the canal several times for future outtings). Most of our locations did not feature water, being garages, newsagents, and a car park near a church. In fact, this movie may have a claim to be the film shot furthest away from the sea with a glove puppet and a fake stomach. Quite a specific claim, but a claim nevertheless.

It was very hot during filming, which is why Mark, Phil and Paul wore heavy black clothes. That explains the long list of soft drinks credited on the end titles. Phil has never really recovered from filming at the height of summer, and now prefers to wait for sub-zero temperatures before dragging his casts to the top of mountains.

Byzarre Brothers: The Movie had its unintentionally public premiere in the sixth form common room of Queen Marys Grammar School one lunchtime in late 1990. A video recorder had been left in the room from a previous lesson, and it was suggested that we might like to watch the film that Paul had in his bag. I don’t think people really expected it to be this (I wouldn’t like to speculate on what they did expect it to be). They did come back the next day to watch the other half of it ‘though... “Chariots of Fire” was premiered at a cinema. Probably in Leicester Square, or somewhere. I imagine they watched it all in one go.

Credits:

Frank Byzarre - Phillip Hayes
Francis Byzarre - Mark Davis
Jake the Frat - Rob Short
The Doom Crew - Paul Rostance
Professor Glendali - Glenn Reed
The Termite Eater - Stuart Thompson
Francesca Byzarre - Anna Higgins
The Courier - David Hayes
M C Donald S - ‘Mister S’
Nimbleshanks - Sooty
Mr Wobbly Hand - Delia Trueman
Slide-viewers - Paddy + Don
Special guest star - Frank Mertens as himself

Byzarre Brothers created by Phillip Hayes and Mark Davis.
Produced and directed by Phillip Hayes.
Screenplay by Phillip Hayes and Mark Davis, from a story by Phillip Hayes.

Graphic design by Paul Rostance
Cameras by JVC, Phillips, Multibroadcast
Camera Crew - The Mood Crew
Continuity - Lord Lucan
Second Unit Director - Rob Short
Edited by Phillip Hayes
Titles by Phillip Hayes
Post Production Communications by France Telecom, British Telecom
Post production features by Panasonic, Baird, Granada, Sentra, Aiwa, Amstrad

Security - Paul Rostance
Transport - Rob Short
Marketing/Public Relations - Mark Davis
Special Effects - The BSE Visual FX Department
Explosions - Imperial Leather
Projections system - Boots
Stills photographer - Paul Rostance
Medical aid - Christine Hayes

Mark Davis’ wardrobe by ‘Hippy Ties Inc.’ and ‘That’s My Dad’s Hat PLC’
Phillip Hayes’ wardrobe by MFI
Rob Short’s wardrobe - The Purple Parple People
Paul Rostance’s wardrobe - Heavy, Man
Glenn Reed’s wardrobe - Himself (who else?)
Stuart Thompson’s wardrobe - Killer Klothing Corp (“Camouflage clothing for killing machines”)
Anna Higgins’ wardrobe - The Betty the Yeti Boutique
Toupes by Ginchy Wigs

Refreshments - CocaCola, Pepsicola, Safeway, Tizer, Corona, Orangina, Tango.

Thanks to:
The courteous (and photogenic) staff of Stars Newsagents
Salvador Dali
Peter Owen Books
The American Tourists
Jean-Luc Goddard
Howard Jones
Anna Higgins
Donald Sinden

Filmed in glorious TACKYCOLOUR.

Recorded in Walsall, Summer 1990. This motion picture is entirely ‘fictional’ and any similarities to persons living, dead or appearing in ‘Never the Twain’ are entirely intentional.

Copyright 1990 Byzness Films. An Alphavideo release (AV0002).
The Byzarre Brothers will be back in
“BB 1 1/2” (An original audio play) and ‘Back to the Toupees: Byzarre Brothers 2”.

Duration:

1hr:07min:10secs